•weird humor•

Here's my really long list of bizarre quotes, collected from throughout the web for no other reason than to keep me occupied for a few hours. Have fun, take em if you want. I don't know who said a lot of them, but unless otherwise stated, none of em were said be me ^_^. Oh, and not all of the quotes are humorous, but that's okay ^_^. Enjoy!

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•A self-addressed envelope would be addressed 'envelope'.

•If tomorrow never comes, then, you're dead.

•A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

•People don't see the world as it is, but as they are.

•It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

•If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

•A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.

•If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.

•The Romans didn't find algebra very challenging, because X was always 10.

•If James Bond was an Amish spy, he would drink buttermilk. Shaken not churned.

•Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

•"My mother made me a lesbian" (and written below that) "If I give her the yarn, will she make me one, too?"---On the bathroom wall of the Infinity Bar in Miamisburg, Ohio 1979

•Written above the mirror in a men's washroom in Seattle, Wa, "Think!" and someone had scrawled below it, with an arrow pointing down, "Thoap".

•The opinions expressed here are not those of my employer, my wife, my church, or myself...But they are the opinions of Elvis as revealed to me through the medium of my pet hamster, Lee Harvey Oswald...

•Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.

•Suppose they held a war and nobody came?

•98% of the population is asleep. The other 2% are staring around in complete amazement, abject terror, or both.

•The NRA says, 'Guns don't kill people - people kill people.' That may be true, but I think the gun helps. You're not going to kill many people by standing around shouting 'bang!'.

•If someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.

•Never say 'OOPS!' Always say 'Ah, Interesting!'

•Found on a Speed Racer T-shirt: Machine Wash Cold Your 100% Cotton Silk-Screened T-shirt. Tumble dry low, clean your room, and don't stay out past 11:00 without calling.

•If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

•When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

•Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

•Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.

•Never pet a burning dog.

•If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

•Never argue with a man carrying a water buffalo.

•Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - William Coronel

•Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

•The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it.

•If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

•Always remember to pillage before you burn.

•If you and your friend are being chased by a grizzly bear, don't worry about out-running the bear, just worry about out-running your friend.

•Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert.

•It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

•If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.

•Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

•Live simply so that others may simply live... - Gandhi

•Question Authority. They usually know where the bathroom is. - MTV's Daria

•There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

•Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain

•Become who you are. - Nietzsche

•The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

•Drink varnish and you'll get a lovely finish.

•Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.

•Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

•Life is what you make of it...kinda like Play-Doh

•The most tragic thing of life is not death, it is to live without living.

•A girl on the street is pointing up at the sky. 'Look an Angel!' she yells. Passerby laughs, 'You fool, that is only a cloud.' How wonderful it would be to see Angels where there are are only clouds. How sad it would be to see clouds where there are Angels.

•In every mind there is a sweet symphony of untold stories. Poetry, and art, and music are the skillful rendering of these dreams into reality.

•Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

•If you had a million Shakespeare's, would they write like a monkey?

•Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?

•Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

•How come on the show 'Family Matters' two of the kids just dissappeard...they were there one season and gone the next... makes you wonder if family really does matter?

•What are Preparation A through Preparation G?

•Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?

•Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

•If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

•Carpe diem - Seize the day; Carp in denim - There's a fish in my pants!

•Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

•We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.

•The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

•Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

•"The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out." (Chinese Proverb)

•Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

•Add life to your years, instead of years to your life.

•No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

•It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.

•Living in fear is the same as fear of living. Either way, you have no life.

•The meaning of life is to give life meaning.

•"You're not supposed to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or who says it." - Malcolm X

•"I intend to live forever--so far so good."

•"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe."

•"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

•"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." --George Carlin

•Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.

•File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

•Yip yip yip yip yap yap yip *BANG* --- NO TERRIER

•I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

•"The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. Although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it, either. So what I am left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember."

•Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

•I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself, so if I get back before I return, please ask me to wait.

•I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

•My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

•When I travel through a big city and I see the dark underbelly of society, I like to rub it because that makes society go to sleep.

•I want to live forever or die in the attempt.

•I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

•I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

•I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

•I've gotta be me - everyone else was already taken.

•I used to use cliches all the time but now I avoid them like the plague.

•Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

•I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

•I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Andy Rooney

•I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

•As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

•Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought 'Where the hell is the ceiling?'

•I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.

•I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.

•I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people that annoy me.

•Fear not my insanity, fear the mind it protects.

•Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the first place.

•I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

•In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

•As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead.

•I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

•I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

•I go to bed early. My favourite dream starts at nine.

•That which does not kill me... will be the basis for my revenge.

•Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts!

•I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.

•Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

•As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep quiet.

•Some years ago, the now-defunct airline Braniff advertised their business class section with leather seats and more leg room with the following: 'Fly in leather with three more inches.' Spanish for 'in leather' is 'en cuero'; however, 'en cueros' means 'naked'. The Spanish version of Braniff's slogan thus became: 'Fly naked with three more inches.' What a manly airline...

•On a Swedish chain saw: 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals'.

•Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

•When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite the wax tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness in the mouth."

•All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of a $5 bill.

•The continents names all end with the same letter they start with.

•Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

•Shakespeare invented the words 'assassination' and 'bump'.

•The characters Bert and Ernie were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's 'Its A Wonderful Life'.

•All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

•I think, therefore, I am... not related to you.

•"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan

•The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..."'- Isaac Asimov

•What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry

•When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. The two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

•On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

•I'm a fermata - hold me.

•Due to the confusion from too many genres of music, we have decided to put both country music and rap music into the genre of Crap music.

•NOW YOU SEE THAT EVIL WILL ALWAYS TRIUMPH BECAUSE GOOD IS DUMB! -Dark Helmet in SPACEBALLS

•Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?

•Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

•"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." - Mark Twain

•"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It just means that they need more supervision." - Lynn Lavner

•"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown

•Organize for anarchy!

•"Know thyself? If I knew myself I'd run away!" - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

•"Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work- I merely inflict myself upon the public." - Robert Morely

•"I would rather be disliked for who I am, then liked for who I am not."

•Caesar Si viverit ad remum dareris!! {If Caesar were alive you'd be strapped to an oar}

•"... and its not how hard you study, it's how hard you play FOOTBALL!!!" - Jayne "Daria"

•"Adults are obsolete children." - Dr. Seuss