•weird humor•

•quotes continued...page3•

•Absolute power corrupts absolutely

•"... thanks to tv I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago." Bart Simpson

•A clean house is the sign of a misspent life.

•"The surest sign that intelligent life exhists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." -Calvin & Hobbs

•Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian, or a whale.

•"Illegitimi non carborundum." {Don't let the bastards get you down}

•"When you look up at the sky at night to see the stars, did you ever think what they are? I think they are salt, God's salt and one day he is going to eat us." -Robbie Vanderveken

•The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

•"A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids, but she dosen't give a damn."

•"A Lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychoic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." - Jake Johanson

•"The devil can quote scripture for his purpose." - Shakespeare

•If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends?

•"I am the South Wilkesbarre home for wayward hampsters!" -Abbye Meyers

•answering machine messages•

•This answering machine has been connected to a 5,000 volt power supply that has been wired to this small kitten (pathetic mewing). If you don't leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours.

•Hi! Dave's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

•Roses are red, Cactus are green; This is my telephone answering machine. If you'd like to leave a message, that's ok. I'm not here - I ran away. Leave your name and number after the tone, and I'll call you, when they drag me home.

•As you can see, we're not at home. So leave a message at the sound of the tone. If you're a burglar we're not gone at all. We're cleaning our shotguns and screening your call.

•Hi. Now you say something.

•Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, just hang up.

•Hello, you've reached the psychiatric hotline. If you are obsessive/compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3, 4, and 5. If you are simply paranoid, just stay on the line - we know who you are.