•weird humor•

Here's my really long list of bizarre quotes, collected from throughout the web for no other reason than to keep me occupied for a few hours. Have fun, take em if you want. I don't know who said a lot of them, but unless otherwise stated, none of em were said be me ^_^. Oh, and not all of the quotes are humorous, but that's okay ^_^. Enjoy!

•humor from around the world•

•Die Schnecken sind meine Freunden! - The snails are my friends!

•Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. - I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

•Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. - I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

•Necca me latre. - Kill me with a brick.

•Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis ad capul tuum saxum immane mittam. - I have a catapult. Give me all the money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

•Macacos me mordam. Monkeys bite me. - Portuguese idiom

•Ich bin ein Berliner- I am a Berliner. Ich bin ein Beliner- I am a jelly doughnut.

•everything else ^_^•

•Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

•"It's been swell, but the swellings gone down." Lori Petty, Tank Girl

•"I'm a woman. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating and not just a little bit scary." Sliding Doors

•Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. - Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz

•Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless. - Monty Python

•"You're everything I never knew I always wanted." - Alex to Isabel in 'Fools Rush In'

•"I wonder what those flashing red lights mean?" "Well, red usually means 'caution'... or 'beef', if it's a bouillon cube." - Robin Williams and Joan Cusack, Toys

•640 Kilobytes of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981

•"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." - Ashleigh Brilliant

•"When I was born I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen

•When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. Eventually I was an only child. - Steven Wright

•I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence. - Edgar Allen Poe

•I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart. - Anne Frank

•Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery

•"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." - Jeff Stilson

•"Life is tough, it's tougher when you're stupid." - John Wayne

•"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom." -- Bob Hope

•Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. - Oscar Wilde

•Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain

•'Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools, and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.' -Thornton Wilder
•"When I was drafted I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch,I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry,carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!" - Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H

•There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. - Oscar Levant

•"I tried to wrestle my inner demons once... but they used to many illegal holds." - Amanda McAllister
•"There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them." - Dave Barry

•"A woman's body is a work of art. A man's body is utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. It's like a Jeep."- Elain on Seinfeld, on why men shouldn't walk around naked.

•"Great spirits often meet violent opposition with mediocre minds" - Albert Einstein

•"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." - Gandhi

•"I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk." - Stephen King

•"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears

•'No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to unchartered land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit.' -- Helen Keller

•Over and over I find being redundant is key to success in the art of redundancy - Jay Armstrong

•I used to drive down the long highways, throwing tomatoes out the window yelling, 'Hooray for the spicy chipmunk!'

•I can bend minds with my spoon.

•If you're flying down the highway, and your wings fall off your boat how many pancakes can you stack on top of a green doghouse?

•Hope is NOT a thing with feathers, the thing with feathers is my nephew, and I have to take him to a specialist in Zurich. - Woody Allen

•A corpse is a corpse, of course, of course, and no-one can talk to a corpse, of course. That is, of course, unless the corpse is the famous Mr. Dead!

•Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we are experimenting with could potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchy bits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked pool frogs?

•How mad would a wood chuck get if a big neon pink Koala bear named Ishtar ran into the woods and chucked all the wood before the woodchuck could?

•Ladies and gentleman, hoboes and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitoes, and bowlegged ants. I stand here before you,not behind you, to tell you something I know nothing about. Last night about 6:00 this morning,an empty truck loaded with bricks almost killed my dead cat. We rushed him to the hospital, slow as we could,only to find King Arthur, sitting at the fourth corners of the round table eating vinegar with a fork.

•Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so would an 80 lb. carrot.

•Sanity is not my strong point. -Pelican Bob

•Alas, poor kiroY. I knew him backwards.

•'If you're so evil, why don't you... EAT THIS KITTEN!'
'mew!'
'No way, Mister... that's just WRONG!' - The Tick

•In space, no one can hear your teddy bear scream.

•Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

•Champagne for my true friends and true pain for my sham friends!

•Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

•The more you cry, the less you have to pee.

•Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

•Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

•A rose by any other name would still attract aphids.

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